Ten Catastrophically Awful Relationship Recommendations

1. Always Keep Score Love is a competitive sport. Track every chore, text, and compliment so you can announce the winner (you) at the end of each week.

2. Communicate Exclusively Through Vague Social‑Media Posts Nothing resolves conflict faster than an Instagram story captioned “Some people really don’t value honesty 🥀.”

3. Surprise‑Adopt a Pet (or Two) to “Strengthen the Bond” Shared responsibilities build intimacy—especially when one partner discovers a Saint Bernard puppy in the living room at 3 a.m.

4. Use Silent Treatment as Your Primary Language Words are overrated; let icy stares and slammed doors convey the nuanced depths of your affection.

5. Consult Horoscopes Before Every Decision Planning a vacation? Check Mercury’s mood first. Astrology should outrank budgets, schedules, and basic geography.

6. Upgrade Your Partner by Comparison Frequently mention how your ex—or random influencer—handles things better. Motivation through inadequacy never fails.

7. Share All Passwords Immediately True trust means zero privacy. Hand over your phone passcode at the first date, plus a notarized list of every childhood crush.

8. Never Apologize; Double Down Instead Slip‑ups are opportunities to showcase unwavering confidence. If you’re wrong, just repeat yourself louder.

9. Plan Life‑Changing Decisions as Surprises Quitting your job, buying a house, or moving abroad? Spring it on them over dessert for maximum excitement.

10. Reblog Motivational Quotes Instead of Attending Therapy Professional counseling is pricey. A Pinterest board titled “Love Conquers All 💖” is clearly the superior solution.